Quitting the Nicotine

I am a single parent, the sole carer of a miniature human being (his father attended the birth, but on seeing my transformation from a normal, slightly walrusesque, pregnant woman to a bloodshot eyed demon of the labour ward he ran in the opposite direction screaming, and we never saw him again.)

I have tried ever so hard to become the expected responsible role-model sort that is needed to bring up a child who won't end up a psychotic serial killer, or worse, a U2 fan. All the pictures of Bono with eyes burnt out have been tucked away safely, my tendency to kick helpless kittens has been reserved for the evenings when Louie is safely tucked up in bed, and when seeing David Cameron on the television my usual reflex action to shout profanities at his big shiny forehead have now been altered to 'what a silly billy.'

However, the one habit that has blighted my quest for mother of the year trophy, is smoking. After several years of puffing away on the little sticks of doom (apart from the gap year during the pregnancy and a few months beyond when I discovered nail biting) I have become really fed up with my addiction. 

Here is why I desperately want to give up smoking;

REASONS FOR QUITTING

# If I carried on smoking until I am 25, I would have technically reached middle age; that is even scarier than my morning face
# Don't want to be the smelly one on the bus
# Smoking can be cool when you're a delusional teenager, but when you get to the point of dipping into your pension for the next cigarette to choke down your wrinkled throat, it's time to stop
# I have read John Diamond's diary of his battle and eventual defeat with cancer, and this confirmed that I don't really fancy having my tongue amputated
# Don't want smelly clothes
# Want visitors to leave ventilator masks behind next time they come round
# Don't want any more Febreeze gift packs for Christmas
# Would like to walk to shops without having several heart attacks en route
# Don't want my son to be teased at school for having a half-human half-oxygen tank as a mother.
# I like my teeth the colour they are
# Don't want to look like Dot Cotton
# Don't want to sound like Dot Cotton
# Don't want people in the street to point at me and say 'Look, it's Dot Cotton.'

# I want to live for another eighty years and ride around on hover boards Marty Mcfly stylee
# And last, but my no means least I want to be healthy.

So now, in an unbiased and diplomatic way, I will list all the reasons I can find for not quitting the nicotine;

# Lowers metabolism for all you wannabe size zeros out there
# Stops you biting your fingernails to ribbons
# You won't be left on your tod in a pub, whilst all your smoker mates are outside having the best conversation in the universe
# Could be a useful habit for those of you harbouring a fetish for tubes lodged in throats
# Non-smokers die everyday too (cheers Mr Hicks for that one)
# Good ol' Ronnie Woods is still wheezing on, slightly resembling a wrinkled beetroot abandoned in the back of your fridge, but wheezing on nonetheless
# Gives you something to do in times of boredom/awkward conversation
# Brilliant fly repellant
# Also very effective repellant for those annoying self righteous never-smoked-in-my-life people
# There is a whole community of smokers united on subjects such as the smoking ban in pubs and playing the 'who's coughed up the largest chunk of lung' game
#You could make your living out of smoking tricks, such as blowing ten foot rings, or mastering an Irish waterfall that cascades down to your ash-soled shoes
# If you want to grow a tumour that's bigger than your head and appear on Body Shock, or in circuses.
# Simon Cowell smokes, he's successful... go figure
# You just don't care

I'm not doing this to join the 'we know best' club, infact I admire anybody who puts two fingers up to this oh so health conscious society. I have well and truly been dragged into the shiny lungs of the nanny state and exhaled back into daily life completely brainwashed and scrubbing at invisible bacteria.

All the attention to health nowadays has well and truly shocked me into conformation, what with the cigarette packets playing host to gruesome pictures and all. (although the photo of a man lying with a tea towel draped over his grey face looks suspiciously like it was sneakily taken in a tanning salon, and you would top up on the old tango look too if you were as grey as that poor bugger)

Maybe, just maybe, I'll will soon have the will and tenacity to finally turn my back on such a frivolous waste on money. I think I'll need to stock up on the stress balls first though....